I'm here

I've been so awful--just no motivation to stick with eating well and exercising. None. I don't know why I'm going through this. I've never had such difficulties in the past year. Even when I slipped and put on a bit of weight I always got right back on track again. But here I am, totally unable or unwilling to control my diet and making it to the gym maybe twice a week and never doing anything more in the way of exercising other than running a few miles on the treadmill.

I'm maintaining my weight. Unfortunately, I'm maintaining at somewhere between 140 and 142 pounds--ten pounds up from my lowest weight and five to seven up from my top "ideal" weight. Ugh. Today I was 140.4. I keep promising myself rewards if I just lose something, anything in a week but the rewards hardly seem worth it when it's so much more pleasant and rewarding to eat pizza and pasta and hamburgers and cotton candy and cake and cookies right now. Maybe I should start punishing myself? If I don't end up below 140 by next week, I'll have to chop off my pinkie toe. Maybe that would work. You'd think I could manage a lousy half pound, but I don't even trust myself to do that!