I'm a-sceerd

I was just sitting here thinking that tomorrow I have to weigh myself and I realized that I am afraid to do it. I don't WANT to know how much I have gained over the past several weeks. Especially since these several weeks include being snowed in, going to Reno and then Vegas and - well, that is about it... Sigh. I will do it though. Tomorrow I will weigh myself.

I need to do something. It seems to me that every few weeks I start off with fresh resolve - I will plan healthy menus, I will increase my exercise, I WILL stick with it. THIS time things will be different and I will lose weight. However, I have gotten to the point that I can't get beyond the resolve. I used to actually MAKE changes in my life. I would plan good menus, I would schedule more exercise - and then I would actually DO these things. Eat right, exercise more. However, never did I see the benefits to these changes. Oh sure, for very short bursts I would see a downward trend, but ALWAYS I would plateau at 12 pounds lost and then immediately gain more than 12 back. Even while doggedly sticking to my plans. The most sustained success I ever had was that year or so where I didn't gain weight. I didn't lose weight, but I wasn't gaining. That ended suddenly last summer when I - over the course of just a few weeks - I jumped up an additional 15-20 pounds (depending on where you start counting).

So I now look at the scale and think "Wow, I am as much OVER my initial starting point now as I needed to lose originally back then." (Or in other words - we started this blog with me needing to lose about 55 pounds, I am now about 40 pounds over my starting point.)

You know what really bothers me? From what I can figure out bariatrics - the branch of medicine that specializes in obesity - really only focuses on surgery and appetite suppression. I mean I know they also look at behavioral modification and diet and exercise, but all of it still with a focus on how to eat less. Seriously? I can go all day - or more - without eating anything and NOT feel hungry. I really don't think my problem is over eating. So what IS my problem? Under exercising clearly is part of it - but I think there is something more. I don't need a recommendation from my doctor to go see a bariatric specialist - but I think I will ask her for one anyway. Maybe what I REALLY need is psychological counselling. Maybe what I need is not a CPAP machine to help me breathe, but sleeping pills to help me fall asleep and then stay asleep.