My weight yesterday morning was 228.4 - which was kind of annoying because I was so good for two days in a row. 8-D But I WAS. I ate only the healthy, allowed food (sticking JUST at my calories allowed from My Plate) plus I went to the gym and burned UP 250-400 calories each of those days. Then yesterday, I spent the whole day reading (a fascinating book about polygamy) and ate pretty much NO healthy food (I had bean soup for lunch, leftover pizza for dinner and Girl Scout cookies for everything else...). I didn't go to the gym last night (I was groggy and my knee was bothering me a lot) intending to move the dining room table and do a yoga video. I didn't do that either... Sigh. I am planning on going to the gym tonight after work. I really am feeling like I need to do yoga or something. My muscles feel VERY tight and uncomfortable. I need to stretch them. I guess there are no rules saying that I can't do both the gym AND a yoga video. You know what would be cool... If I could take my yoga video TO the gym and use it in their yoga studio. I am going to ask them if I can tonight...
Anyway, My weight - unsurprisingly - was 229.0 this morning. Why is it that I respond to BAD behavior right away - but not good? I guess it all comes back to my original statement of a million years ago - You can't give up eating cold turkey.
I met with the nutritionist yesterday again. Once again, it was a very interesting meeting. She had me do an "inner child" exercise yesterday. This was because I was telling her that (even though I know it is irrational) I resent Katie's ability to say no to food if she doesn't want to eat it, and to also be able to leave food behind on her plate. I can't say my innerchild spoke to me or not - but I CAN tell you I realized that I have a very specific view of myself as a child. I was third grade or younger (probably younger - maybe even as young as Kindergarten) and it was picture day at school. I was wearing a dark green body suit with a skirt. I don't know if this was the first time I became aware of how people see me - outside of me - or if my clothes were uncomfortable - or what it was... But I do remember me noticing my "image" and not liking it. Even as a little child. How pathetic is that?! I remember feeling round - or chubby - or whatever, and knowing that I wanted to be little and lithe (although I am sure I didn't know that word at the time) like the other little girls. In retrospect I am sure I was about to go through a growth spurt and my clothes probably WERE too small, and the color ISN'T the best on me (even now) and so I wasn't my prettiest - but, for whatever reason - THAT is the vision of myself as a child that I have to this day. Too big, fat, and uncomfortable, with poor coloring. Maybe this was the point in time that I realized I wouldn't ever be a princess. I don't know how much I buy into the "inner child" concept - but I do think it is pretty telling that I remember this version of me over anything else.
So I am supposed to talk to my inner child everyday now (it is actually more of a meditation technique - which I am OK with). I don't know if chatting up my inner me will help with anything - but it doesn't cost anything to try. I am also supposed to go back to reading Intuative Eating. She wants me to clean up my scrapbook area (although she doesn't know that is what I need to do - she said to set aside an area to use for creative endeavors). There is one or two other things on my homework list - but I can't remember what it is now...
3 comments:
Interesting. Might also help to actually get a picture of you as a kid so you can see now what you really DID look like instead of what you're picturing in your head. Try the one of us playing soccer--make your inner child strong and active and athletic, which really we were. Maybe not athletic in the conventional sense, but we were always outside on the swingset or playing SPUD or base runners or something.
Claire has cellulite on her butt and she tells me she's beautiful (and I tell her the same thing) and she's not wrong.
Amy, I feel so bad for you! I never thought of you as fat, and I don't think anyone else did, either, except Eric who called you Thunder Thighs but that's what brothers do. (And look at him now!)
I wish you had talked about this with Dad and me when you were little and maybe you wouldn't have internalized it.
Cellulite has very little to do with how fat you are - which is why skinny and muscular people also have it. It has something to do with the fat cell structure. Claire IS beautiful - and I am VERY glad she knows it!!
I have that picture of me when I was three with the curly blond hair and the rosy cheeks - but I don't actively remember being her.
Mom - I don't think I could have gone to you and Dad with this problem for two reasons: 1. when I was very young I am not sure I actually SAW it as a problem - that was just the way it was, and 2. I don't think there was anything you could have done about it anyway. Futhermore (and this is absolutely not a critism) when I was at an age where I was able to identify ways I could fit in I wasn't ALLOWED to get my ears pierced, have Levi corderoys or OP shorts. I know these were material things and I can respect the notion of not caving to peer pressure (to a degree) but not having the things that the other girls had DID lower my self image. And - really not to beat a dead horse - being the kid that everyone picked on didn't help me - and I DID go to you and Dad with that.
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