I love my medicine!!!

I am in love with my Lexapro. Not in love like you have to cart me off to NA - but in love to the point where I wish I had started it five years ago! I am ENJOYING things again. Stupid things - like reading in bed and sleeping. I know it may be insensitive to talk about sleeping on a board where Sarah will read about it... but seriously! I forgot how much I used to like just to hunker down into bed and sleep. So much so that yesterday when I got to work I was wondering how soon I could leave to go home to sleep. I haven't been overly tired really (although I have noticed that I have been going to bed earlier and sleeping slightly later in the mornings when I can). I think I am just more relaxed now and so I am more comfortable when I do go to bed. I also think it is much easier for me to unwind at night so I do fall asleep more effectively.

The other thing that I have noticed different about me is that I am hungry. I don't know yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing. BUT - I have been eating lunch at lunch time and the healthy (not candy bars and cheetos from the vending machines) snacks that I have packed throughout the day. BUT, and this is the good thing, I haven't been doing the eating until it is all gone and then some thing. I don't know if I am eating more slowly, but I have noticed that I will stop when I don't want any more. I usually notice this AFTER I have stopped. This may sound stupid - but, for example, Katie and I have a box of gourmet truffels that I got on VD. It has 24 in it. We have been eating one per day. The last time I had these truffels, I finished off my half in about two days - and then started in on Katies. Back to the enjoying thing again. I can enjoy one without feeling the whole "if that one was so good maybe six more will be even better!" (which BTW, is borderline self medicating addictive behavior - "more will make me feel better" Thank goodness I only did that with food and craft supplies and not drugs and alcohol!).

My weight was about a pound up from last week's doctor office weight... But that is still down about two pounds from what I had been seeing. For right now I am trying to get back into the habit of packing healthy, complete lunches, and eating regularly at home too. Katie and I are doing Let's Dish tomorrow evening - Thank Goodness!! We haven't had dinner food for a few weeks now. My plan still is to do Body For Life over lent. Sarah? Do you and Brian still have my book? I can't find it - and I honestly don't remember if I ever got it back from you. I will keep looking - but it has been almost a decade since we did it last.

Another boring Tuesday post

It's Tuesday, so I'm posting. 144 this morning. I exercised not at all after Tuesday until Sunday, when I went for a 23.66-mile bike ride. It was actually a really good ride -- the slopes never got worse than 4% (and when I hit that, I knew, but it was only a short uphill, relatively speaking, so I managed to stay on the bike) and the weather was mostly good (it was threatening rain, but I never felt more than two drops). But the road I chose for my turnaround (long ride out, long ride by a different route back) to allow me the gentle uphill return instead of the knock-me-flat return turned out to be gravel. It would have been perfect on the right sort of bike -- very secluded (and I won't say I didn't get the Deliverance theme in my head! I need to find a riding partner) and shady, all along a dry creek bed, but I couldn't go faster than about 8-10 mph the whole way, and that was only when I caught some less-graveled bits. I couldn't load a map on my phone from where I was so I couldn't find an alternate route when I realized it was gravel, and looking at the map after the fact I'm not sure there really IS an alternate non-gravel route anyway. So I'm not sure what to do about that.

Remarkably, as of yesterday my tired legs were already recovered and painless (not so much my sit bones, though!) so I went to the gym for 45 minutes on the elliptical. Today I have another gym appointment, and then (again) nothing the rest of the week. Daniel is on a no-excuses exercise plan right now (he won't allow himself a drink at night unless he has worked out) and has only missed one day in two weeks (Tuesdays are awful for him) so I'm going to try to keep up with him on that. I wish I could get out on bike rides around town on weekdays -- up and down the Huckleberry would be perfect for a mid-week ride! But I don't like to get five or six miles from home when the kids are unsupervised and there's no one to rescue me from bike troubles. So I'm going to have to get back to what I did during the late spring and early fall, and do my school day exercise on busy days as runs in a loop close to the house. Dull. But effective.

Website to share

April just forwarded me this website. Green Lite Bites. She has some great (and beautiful!) recipes. Check it out.

I think this is one of the few birthdays I have ever had that does NOT fall within lent. I know that isn't true (I don't think) but it seems to me that often it IS Lent. You know how most people check to see what day their birthday falls on at the beginning of the year? I check to see when Ash Wednesday is in relation to my birthday. Anyway - no lent, birthday on a Friday. We are going to California Pizza Kitchen for my work lunch. I am not sure what I am going to get yet... Maybe the pear and gorgonzola pizza (which BTW is lent friendly)...

My ear infection yesterday afternoon hit the shooting pain stage of things. I was also back to feeling dizzy - although not as extremely so. It is feeling better today. I hope that lasts because I took my last dose of advil yesterday and forgot to reload today.

Anyway, I got weighed at the doctor's office on Tuesday (after not being able to balance on my OWN scale Tuesday morning...). I was wearing jeans and had eaten breakfast, but I was almost five pounds lighter than I was at my LAST doctor's office weigh-in on 1/19. That visit I was wearing yoga pants and I don't believe I had eaten much of anything... Five pounds, in case anyone is wondering, is not an unusual variance for me just from day to day, so it probably means nothing. However, ever since I have been taking the lexapro I have noticed that I have bouts of night sweats almost every night - so maybe I am melting away some of my excess 100 pounds. I also have been consistanly going to bed much earlier. I take my pill at about 9:30 and usually turning off my light to sleep at about 10:30. For the first time in my life I am not able to power through that sleepy phase I hit around 10pm. AND, I don't seem to mind at all that I am only getting a few hours of down (non work) time each day. I will be interested in seeing what I weigh on March 15h...

Partial Post

I'll have to try to remember to weigh myself tomorrow. I had an offsite meeting on Monday so I was off schedule, so today was my Monday in the office. That always screws me up.

We started doing exercises with kettle balls this weekend. Wow--what a great workout! Peter made us a "ball" out of some free weights we had lying around the house and about $10 worth of precut pipe from the plumbing section at Home Depot. We did 4 different exercises and I can really feel the muscles I was working today. I could also feel them last night; my sides are a mess. The best part was that it didn't take an hour to complete the exercises, and my heart rate was definitely up. The one exercise has you doing a controlled swing from between your feet to out in front of you, and that one really made my muscles work to control it.

I'm taking tonight as a kettle ball rest night, and then I'll repeat the exercises tomorrow night.

Why am I even bothering to post?

I have nothing interesting to say. My weight was 145 today -- up a pound from where it's been this week but not surprising given the way I've been eating, which is very much like Sarah, only probably with more than 300 calories over on any given day. It's to my advantage that the snacking I've been doing today is candy hearts: nutritionally toxic but not nearly so caloric as chocolate.

It's been a terrible exercise week; I got to the gym last Tuesday and I'm pretty sure that was the last real exercise until today, a week later (though my step count was over 9,000 on Sunday and over 7,000 on Saturday, which is pretty good for a non-exercise day for me). We had gorgeous weather (though windy) on Sunday and Monday, but Cecilia was sick on Sunday, and not well enough for childcare at the gym by Monday. Yesterday I passed out in mid-afternoon for no good reason -- Daniel came home quite early so he could let me go out for a bike ride, and I was dead to the world. I'd had a good night's sleep, but towards the end of the school day I suddenly couldn't keep my eyes open. I thought just the act of going upstairs to lie down would wake me up, but it didn't. So I missed the chance for a nice long ride. Phooey.

There is no chance for exercise tomorrow (Alexander's birthday, which we're trying to squeeze in among Mary's piano lesson, Mary's art lesson, Cub Scouts, and middle school youth group) and Thursday is unlikely as well. Friday is right out. Daniel's parents are here this weekend but I might find a minute to sneak out on Sunday. Sigh.

Tuesday weight gain

Not a gain from last week, fortunately. But all this weekend I was in the 146 range, then up to 147.2 yesterday, and then today, the day it counts, I'm up to 148.4. Of course! On the other hand, if my high for the week is on weigh-in day and it's still lower than the previous week, then I guess I'm doing o.k.

Not much new to report. I ate way too much over the weekend, and particularly yesterday, so the weight gain is no surprise. Over the weekend I countered the overeating (and really it was overeating by just 300 calories a day, so not fatal) with activity--a five mile walk on Saturday and, well, lots of cleaning and vacuuming on Sunday (I was hoping for another walk, but Claire had other ideas). Yesterday, not so much--I ate a big (for me) breakfast, ate conversation hearts all day, then had a big dinner by any standards, then finished up the day with a spicy mocha from Caribou (thanks, Katie!). Today I'm back to being good, at least until I get home and am faced with the leftover Valentine's candy.

Losing weight by diet alone

I'm interrupting my normal once-a-week postings (remember back when we pretty much all posted daily?) for this imporant whine:

While I know it's possible to lose weight by diet alone, it really, really, really sucks and I don't know why anyone would choose this approach.

It's what I've been trying for a mere two weeks, and while I've so far been successful (of course my weight went back down to 148.4 after weigh-in day this week; today, alarmingly, I was 146 but I KNOW that's wrong, but let's assume that in two weeks I've lost two or slightly more pounds) I find myself longingly reading restaurant menus online, and drooling over pictures of food in magazines.

It was quite depressing when I realized this week that the Daily Plate still had my age at 40 and my weight at 150. When I upped my age to 42, lowered my weight a bit, and checked "sedentary" as my activity level (which by their definition I am--seated in an office most of the day; at home I'm as often as not sitting and reading or surfing the internet. I wish there was a step between sedentary and light activity--about half of my time at home is doing light activity) my allowed calories for the day, based on wanting to lose 1.5 pounds a week, was something like 956 calories! That was a 200 calorie drop (and could explain why I've lost just one pound a week instead of 1.5--their calculators seem to be pretty accurate for me). Rather than agree to that reduction (seriously, taking in under 1000 calories strikes me as a bad idea--how on earth would you get all the nutrients you need?), I lowered my weight loss goals to one pound a week. I've also been pretty good about doing some type of strength training exercise each day--upper body free weight stuff, or pilates-type core exercises--but while that's nice to do, it really doesn't take long or burn too much (woo hoo! I burned 45 calories in ten minutes!).

So that's my whine for today. I'm really looking forward to the thaw we're supposed to get over the next week--hoping I can get outside and exercise after work a couple of days so that I can burn some fat and stop starving myself!

Back on track

Sort of! I am back to exercising more often. I have gone to the gym the past two Mondays and each week I schedule the next week's workout, so that's one good spot each week. On Tuesdays I have figured out that I can get an appointment as soon as they open in the afternoons and still JUST finish in time to pick up the big kids after band. From there on the week gets complicated, but last Wednesday I managed a very short bike ride and this week I'll have time as well; starting next week I'll have to take Mary to art class after school, but if I am changed and ready to go when I pick her up, I can cram a short ride or run in on decent weather days after art class. Thursdays I might be able to get to the gym, if we don't want a complicated dinner and I can be home by 5:30 so I can get everybody out the door to scouts and me to choir practice. Last week I just ditched exercise on Thursday. And on Fridays it will just be a 25 minute walk downtown, as it has been in the past, but it's still something. With the new bike I have a new source of guilt to get me out of the house for at least ONE long ride on the weekends. I won't consider the bike earned until I've ridden at least 2000 miles on it -- so that may take a couple of years at a minimum!

Last week my first ride felt pretty good, but it was on the Huckleberry Trail, which was covered with debris and busy with people running, so I couldn't get going very fast. And I couldn't go far, since the kids were unsupervised at home (with a friend, no less!). And then I managed to knock the computer off my bike and send it flying, and it took me 10 minutes to track it down. So it wasn't great exercise. On Sunday, however, the ride was VERY serious exercise, but it felt terrible. The first two or three miles were great, because they were entirely downhill -- often very fast. But I knew, halfway down, that I was doomed on the return trip. It was a brutal uphill climb, 7 or 8% at times, and 6.2% on average, according to the map! I thought my heart was going to explode. I had to walk half of it, and that took forever. I've mapped out a much longer ride that has a much less steep return, though the road is long and winding, so I'm worried about that.

Anyway, my weight oscillated between 145 and 145.5 all week -- I seldom see it so consistent. Today it obligingly dropped to 143.5 despite the glass of wine with dinner and my attempt to polish off the remaining cheesecake in the fridge (it's been there since New Year's and I'm the only one who understands how important progress is on defeating cheesecakes -- only one slice left!). In short, no real progress, but at least I'm feeling slightly less blobby.

Mooovin' on...down?

So I've been dappling in the 4 hour Body for two weeks now, and I am down 5 lbs and 6.5 inches; nearly 10 total pounds since my highest weight struck back in mid-December. My pants are fitting better and I am feeling SO much better. No more mid-afternoon burn outs, no more snacking at night, and I have been sleeping so much better. It is amazing what protein does for the body; I was totally taking in too many carbs and extra sugar and not enough protein. And I've been drinking so much water and it also feels good to be hydrated. I consume 3-4L per day of plain water, then sometimes a cup of tea if my office is freezing and maybe a soda. I've pretty much eliminated the soda without even noticing; now it is mostly a treat. I've also probably eaten more beans in the last two weeks than in my entire life to date. And the weird thing, I was SO worried about having horrible gas, but when you take the extra sugars and starches out of the equation, that isn't an issue at all. Sugar really is the root of all evil. Just think if the American Indians hadn't taken it from the Europeans...this country would be a different place! LOL.

This is the first diet plan like this I have tried, and I really like it I think because I FEEL so different. I'm not hungry, I'm not tired, I think I might actually be thinking more clearly because of not being hungry and not being tired, and the built in cheat day each week means you never really give something up, you just defer it to the appropriate day. I'm usually not one for these types of diets, but this one is different for me, and thank goodness, it is also working.

I went for another swimming lesson last night. I am a terrible, TERRIBLE swimmer. I lack coordination, and I just can't remember all the stuff the lady tells me to do. I'm pretty sure she thinks I am incapable of following directions. Then last night she made me do these drills where you don't kick and just use your arms to move through the water, and I felt like I was flailing in the water. It was AWFUL. I have no upper body strength, I have no coordination and then I guess maybe from breaking my right arm multiple times, it just has difficulty following the directions my brain sends it. I can only imagine what it looked like.

Harry kept me up most of last night; his toe scabbed up and I think it was itching to the point he was borderline insane, which I can certainly relate to. Even though he has his cone of shame on, he somehow managed to tear the scab. At least it didn't bleed or anything. I have to call the vet today to see if there is anything to do for him.

Not fair!

So I've been carefully counting calories this week and seeing results--the past three days my weight has been 148.6, 148.4, and 148.4 (with a brief flash onto 148.2 before settling on the higher weight).

You know what my weight was today? 149.8!!! Sheesh. I also had to struggle to put my ring on, so I'm pretty sure it's water retention, but it's still frustrating after seeing those better weights all week. I guess at least I should be happy to be back under 150 (if barely).

Wednesday weight

I didn't get my weight yesterday--mornings these days are entirely theoretical things. Connor wakes up and goes to sleep at such odd and inconsistent times that my whole morning routine is off. Where I used to jump out of bed at the alarm, go to the bathroom and weigh myself, now I drag myself out of bed sometimes when Brian tells me it's my turn to take care of Connor, ushering in the morning at the entirely unreasonable hour of 3 or 4 a.m., and sometimes when my phone alarm goes off from the pocket of my robe (I put it there and then wear my robe all night so I don't have to remember to take the phone with me when I switch beds in the night). Those mornings are especially discombobulating because I first have to figure out which bed I'm in and get my bearings before getting up. Add a bunch of snow days to that and it gets even more confusing--my first order of business is to check my email for closings and delays. In any event, I no longer follow my normal morning routine so forgetting to weigh myself on Tuesday isn't that surprising. Remember that it was Tuesday at all WOULD be surprising.

So my weight today was 150.4. At least I'm consistent, right? This is making Sarah Palin very happy, so clearly something must be done. I'm starting back today with counting calories, and making a committment to doing pilates at least three days a week. Until we work out something permanent for Connor's transportation, or until Brian is unemployed again (or better--employed second or third shift somewhere), or until Connor starts sleeping again, I can't commit to more. I think this is the worst part of my stress this past month--as much as I hate to exercise it IS a good stress reliever and without it I've been a mess. The weight gain is only a small part of it.

Missed it by THAT much

So it's not officially Tuesday anymore, but I haven't gone to bed yet, so it's still Tuesday. I can report: my weight isn't changing dramatically (145, up from last week, but in the same range it's been all month), but I've started exercising again. 40 minutes on the (upright!) bike a the gym (man, those seats bite) yesterday and 40 minutes on the elliptical today. I couldn't work an appointment out for the rest of this week -- we have something going on at gym time every day -- but I'm going to do my best to find workout times. Rumor has it I missed a GORGEOUS day for cycling on Sunday here. No nice weather seems to be on the way again for the rest of the month, as far as I can tell. Phooey. But I set up appointments for next Monday and Tuesday at the gym, and I might even be able to swing Wednesday next week as well. Here's hoping. I'm tired of being a blob!

Ho hum

I just got into work after taking the Harry Dog for an unexpected trip to the vet. He is in surgery now having one of his toe nails removed. I had to cover 2 classes last night at CCBC, so my friend let Harry out to pee around 6:30-7ish. When I got home he was acting weird, but I fed him and made him go outside again. As I was making dinner and he was continuing to act weird, I discovered the understandable source of the weirdness--he had a toe nail on his back paw bent at a 90 degree angle from what it should normally be. He must have fallen on the ice, as I can't come up with another explanation. It was bleeding just a little bit, so I made the decision to wait to see his regular vet rather than pay the 3x mark up at the emergency vet. Using Peter's awesome people paramedic skills, we cleaned it up and wrapped it, then got him in first thing this morning to see the vet. Poor dog. I feel terrible. The vet has to cut the toe nail off at the base, so cut THROUGH the quick. Ow. Which is why he has to be sedated. Plus she wanted to see where the damage originated, so it might involve more than just that, but let's hope not. Poor dog. I feel terrible. And yes, I know I already said that.

I'm down about 4 lbs from last week. After Peter and I did the Bod Pod assessment 2 Thursdays ago, we started a diet plan the next day. After one week I'm down 4 lbs and 1.5 inches. That's actually as of Saturday, because that is our check in day. The diet is pretty easy to stick to; I'm pretty surprised about that.

I think that's all for today. I am feeling pretty bummed about Harry, so hopefully we can pick him up in a little while from the vet and get him on the road to recovery.

Today IS Tuesday

So, I weighed the same today as last week - which was slightly higher than the week before, but by only a fraction of a pound. Actually, now that I think about it I may have been slightly lower today that last week. Regardless - it is all about the same.

I have been on my anti-anxiety medicine for about two weeks now. I don't think it is working yet. I woke up at four this morning and lay in bed worrying about my mutual fund. CLEARLY that isn't something that is fret worthy, and yet I wasted about an hour of sleep time over it!

Today is not Tuesday

I've been home with snow and sickies and not able to post because sickie #1 whammed his head so hard into the computer monitor on the laptop that the glass cracked (seriously, they are going to send APS - Apple Protective Service - after us and put our computer in foster care), and the desktop is so clunky that it won't let me on this site to post.

So here's the deal: on Tuesday I weighed 150.4, which I think is holding steady from my weight earlier this month but I can't remember. In any event, it isn't good and I need to get rid of the winter flab I've put on, but I have no idea how to find the time to exercise. I don't have lunch breaks anymore (they'll start up again when Brian's temp job ends in a few weeks) and Connor is now sleeping roughly two or three hours a night so there's no way in hell I'm getting up early to exercise, and by the time I get home at night and get everything done that needs to get done I'm too exhausted to do anything more than lay on the sofa and beg Connor to go to sleep! He's not swayed, and then he steals my blankets. He doesn't like people covered in blankets.

OTOH, if we could just keep getting 10 inches of heavy, wet snow, that would be ideal. I had a great workout shoveling out the sidewalks and cars yesterday! Nearly an hour of cardio and weight work, and I'm paying for it this morning with a sore back. Think how great my back muscles would be if I had to do that a few times a week!

But here's my plan--I need to lose ten pounds in 12 weeks, or else I'm donating $25 to Sarah Palin. I figure that'll be motivation enough to make me starve myself if necessary for the last couple of weeks to achieve that weight if it comes to that. So I have until April 19 to get down to 140.4, even if I have to put on trash bags and run on the treadmill to lose six of those pounds in water weight on April 18. I considered making the donation to someone/thing less annoying, like a charity I don't really support or someone like Mike Huckabee who scares me politically but who I think is kinda funny and engaging (at least he was on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me) but I need something REALLY motivating, so Sarah Palin it is.

143.5

I've settled right back into my low-140s range, post-Christmas. I'm glad it didn't stay permanently in the upper 140s but I know it's not going to go anywhere good if I don't get some exercise. I think this afternoon I'm going to go try to get my bike; if I wait, we'll be back into the horrible weather, so I need to jump on this one good day. But having it won't help, if the weather's no good -- I need to get back to exercising at the gym. I hate feeling flabby but I can't seem to kick my motivation back into line.

Dear Shifted Orbit:

Sorry, this was too long to fit in the comment box!

I think it’s natural for anyone, when faced with a new situation in their life, to seek out information from and camaradarie with people who are knowledgeable about that situation. And some situations are more unfamiliar and more all-consuming than others, plus some *people* are more apt to completely throw themselves into their new situation than others (think of bridezillas—some people, when they are planning a wedding, don’t get all hyper-focused on the details of the wedding and some people throw themselves into the planning like it’s an Everest expedition.).

Pregnancy is one of those situations, and I think it’s more likely to be all-consuming, even for generally reasonable people, than most things. First of all, you want to make damn sure you don’t do anything to screw it up because this is another person’s life you’re talking about, plus biologically your body makes sure this is not something you can forget for even a minute—you spend your first trimester feeling vaguely ill and unbearably sleepy ALL THE TIME, then someone starts kicking you from inside, then the third trimester is really odd because not only is your body taken over, which you’ve gotten used to by then, but your brain is too—it’s nearly impossible to focus on anything for more than a few minutes. And all the while, you’re also doing the equivalent of planning a wedding—rearranging your life and home so a baby can fit into it (making a decision about work, finding childcare, getting a bedroom ready, figuring out how you’re going to add the equivalent of a second mortgage into your monthly budget, etc.).

Think about life decisions that you’ve made that you knew would have a big impact on you—these are things you probably didn’t make a snap decision on, and they probably DID affect how you interacted with people (and who you interacted with). Even something like getting a dog—I’m sure there are some people who see a cute dog in a store and go in and buy it without thinking for a second what they are getting themselves into (these people are also the ones that tend to turn their puppies in to the rescue organizations after a while) but most people, and all reasonable people, are going to seek out information, so they will start talking to people who own dogs to find out about different breeds, and how to crate train, and how to find a good vet, and how much does it really cost, etc. And then they get a dog and spend months having to run home at lunch to let it out of the crate, and they take time off of work for vet visits, and they have less time in their days for other activities because they have to budget time for walking and grooming, and even have to get up earlier each day to feed the dog and let him outside for a while.

Switch that dog to a baby and you’ve got some idea of what’s going on with your friend—a baby is like a dog multiplied 100 times. Right now she’s in the information gathering phase so she’s seeking out people with the information she needs. And to make matters worse, pregnancy and childbirth are one of those topics of conversation that is just lots of fun to indulge in for people who have been through it or are planning to go through it. But it’s insanely boring for just about anyone else.

To give another analogy—say you, I, Amy, Katie, and Emily are sitting around talking and Katie asks about Ireland because she’s planning to honeymoon there. You and I and Amy have all been there and will be more than happy to go on at greath length not just giving advice but also just generally reminiscing, pulling out photos, and comparing notes. Emily has never been to Ireland and may want to go at some point, or maybe not, but in either case she doesn’t have a lot to add to the conversation so she’s going to feel left out and bored. Is the knowledge that she’s feeling left out going to stop our conversation? Eh, maybe. But if it does at that point, out of sensitivity to her feelings (maybe we know she really, really wants to go but her husband loathes the Irish so it’s a particularly sensitive topic. Daniel is kind of oddly controlling that way), we will probably find many opportunities when Emily isn’t around to talk about Ireland.

In addition to being all-consuming, and important (as in you don’t want to screw up), AND fun to talk about, it’s also a sensitive topic for many people and everyone knows that. When you get pregnant, you are happy and excited (one hopes) but you don’t want to hurt the feelings of people who you know might want to get pregnant but can’t for whatever reason or who recently had a miscarriage, so you are careful to limit your discussions, whenever possible, to people who you know will be receptive to the topic. If you include other people, it means you run the risk of both boring them and making them feel bad.

So this leaves you where you are—feeling bad anyway BECAUSE you are being excluded, which, of course, is also natural. Wait, what was the question again? Oh yeah, you want to know if this means that you’re out. Well, yes, but probably not permanently. If your friendship is based on real compatibility of personalities, it’ll live through this phase. Your friend sounds like she’s the sort of person who relies on other people for advice and support (I tend to rely more on fake people who live in my computer) and she needs advice and support on her pregnancy, so she’s getting it from people who can offer it. Depending on her personality (babyzilla(?) or not) her current hyper-focus might stick around forever (the boring SuperProfessionalMom sort who only identify themselves through their role as a mom and tend to lose sight of who they were before. I wonder what happens to these people when their kids leave home. Are they the sort of controlling mothers-in-law that you hear about?) or go away when she gets more balance in her life. But it’s very, very hard to maintain that balance during pregnancy and with a new infant (see the bit about all-consuming), so it may be a while. Be patient.

Your other question was how to deal with being the only one without offspring. This is part of a broader question that I think everyone deals with at some point in their lives—feeling like they are the only ones dealing with whatever situation they are dealing with, and it’s harder when it’s a Big Thing (instead of a silly thing, like being the only redhead in a classroom, or being the only Steelers fan in an office full of Ravens fans). I deal with this all the time with Connor and his issues. Now, obviously, I’m not the only mother of a kid with autism (although I guess it’s possible that I’m the only mother of a kid with autism and hyper-IgM syndrome, but I don’t know that), but among the people I talk to and interact with on a daily basis, none of them have kids with any serious disability. And it’s hard. I know people don’t mean to be hurtful when they talk about where their kids want to go to college or what they want to be when they grow up—these are normal conversations about normal kids and it’s not their fault that my child isn’t normal. And I know they don’t mean to exclude us when they plan activities that just would be torture with Connor. But logic and emotion rarely interact well. It’s at those times when I try to remember what a very wise man once told, well, not me but a whole crowd of people: you can’t control the things that happen to you. You can only control your response. My response, in this case, could be to try to surround myself with people with similar experiences—I could get a job with Kennedy Krieger and start going to the Autism Society support group meetings. Or I could try to make the people feel bad for bringing up the sensitive topic of what their kid wants to be when he grows up (“when he grows up he’ll probably live in a group home and not do much of anything. Remember when you wished your child could stay young forever? This is what it looks like. You think it’s such a good idea now?”). Or I could be realistic, understand that I live in the real world where I can’t hide myself from other people just because I’m not like them, and that most people are generally good and well meaning and understanding, and that I can’t change who Connor is and I have to live with that and not rail against it. Sometimes that means I can respond with humor (“as far as I know when he grows up he wants to be naked”), but mostly it means that I just let a lot of “normal” bypass me without too much input from me and without many hard feelings. I’ve got a lot of good stuff in my life (admittedly not this week) so I try not to get bogged down in the not-good stuff.

And you could do the same thing—you can respond by starting to hang around more with people without offspring, or be snide and constantly remind them of how much more free and easy your life is without kids (plus, no college to pay for!), or just keep doing what you’re doing—being flexible and understanding so that you are still good friends with these people in 10 or 15 years when their kids are teenagers and don’t have to be cared for as heavily as they do now so these friends can get their lives back! That’s the other thing about kids—while having them is all-consuming, the heavy work really is pretty temporary in the grand scheme of things.

Mixed up week

I had off Monday, so Tuesday was Monday, then before I knew it it was Thursday, which is really Wednesday, which means I'm technically only a day late. Right????

Peter and I are going tonight to get measured using a Bod Pod. I am pretty sure it will say I am 92.7% body fat, like those people in Wall-E that are big piles of mush. The interesting thing is that it determines your minimum calorie needs. While I am looking forward to seeing the results, I am also dreading seeing them...I know my fatness situation. Anyways, I think once we have these numbers we'll be better equipped to structure an eating plan that works for us.

I was down another pound this week, which is decent considering I haven't yet been a gym "regular." This stupid cold is still lingering.

This is totally unrelated to our main mission here, but since you ladies are smart people I am going to run it past you, and it has been eating at me.

Dear Ann Landers, Abby, Prudie, Oprah, Dr. Phil, etc (who wants to play who!!):

All of my friends in my level 1 circle (the friends you see on a regular basis and talk to nearly every day) either have kids or are pregnant. Besides having to field the awkward "So when will you have kids?" question, as the only childless one, I am feeling really weird and somewhat excluded. My friend Amanda used to email me every day, but since she told everyone she is pregnant, she hasn't been as regular with me and has become more regular with our other friend, Amy. I used to be her go-to girl for just about everything, but I haven't been recently, not even really in passing. Does that mean I'm out? I'm trying to be realistic; I know relationships shift as people move into different phases of their lives, and I guess I am trying to figure out if that is what is happening. I think when this has happened in the past I haven't noticed it, or maybe the shift wasn't as dramatic? I'm not really sure. Or maybe I am being hypersensitive? Or all of the above? How does one deal with being the only one without offspring? I try to attend every birthday party, etc that I am invited to, participate in whatever random activity that is asked of me, and try to be as flexible as possible when we're trying to get something scheduled, even when it puts me in a really tight spot. I try to absorb everything so that they don't have to deal with it. Is it just that my circle needs to shift, just like their circle has?

Sincerely, Shifted Orbit

LOL.

Forgot to post yesterday

I started coming down with something on Saturday and by Monday it was a full-blown nasty virus with fever. I was better yesterday but still feel rotten today, and I'm still just marginally above "normal" at 98.8 -- though normal for me at this time of the month is about 97.9 to 98.2, so that's really a half-degree fever, not two-tenths, which makes a bit of a difference. But I haven't been up to any kind of exercise in the last half week. And before that Mary was sick, which made gym trips impossible; I did Walk Away the Pounds one day and an ornament fell off the tree and broke. Sigh. Irreplaceable, too -- an egg Daniel had hand-painted when he was Mary's age. My exercise life is a disaster.

My weight dropped to 142.5 yesterday as a result of the illness, but it has already recovered to 144 today. I feel so gross -- I KNOW I'm losing muscle, and I'm feeling very flabby, but there's not much I can do about it at the moment. Meanwhile Daniel is into full-blown preparations for his half marathon, which makes me even more keenly aware of my lack of energy. As soon as I stop feeling so horrid I'm going to the bike shop to get my bike, and then I'll start figuring out how to work in enough long rides to prepare for the century this fall. Having a goal, and the equipment to pursue it, will help tremendously.

I forgot to weigh in

But I did remember to put my arm band on. Although, now that I think about it it didn't make the bleepity-bleep noise when it comes on...

I slept an extra hour this morning. Sort of. I woke up just before my alarm went off at 6:30, looked out the window, then reset the alarm for 7:30. I got up at 7:23 then. I hate it when schools get to be closed and I still have to go to work! I shovelled and salted the walk (meanwhile it was still freezing raining so I was sliding all around until I got the salt down) then I chipped the ice off my car and made my way to work ALL THE WHILE Katie was snoozing away. I think if the schools are closed (and BTW, Katie gets up early to check) she should ALSO then shovel the walk and clean off my car. 8-b

Anyway, the roads were mostly fine. I drove in low gear until I got to the main roads and didn't haven any slipping issues. They were still sloppy though. Falls Road was closed at the intersection with Shawan. I am not sure why.

I hope my arm band is working b/c I actually burned a few calories with the shovelling this morning. (BTW, I "borrowed" Mike and Sam's shovel to do my walks since mine went missing - my new one is supposed to be delivered today.)